Wednesday, March 1, 2017

I Live My Life For You

As I walked out of my office building, and towards the ferry two women walked passed me, linked arm to arm. As I passed them, one slid her hand down into the hand of the other, and fingers intertwined walked lovingly on.
I smiled as I walked away from them, towards the ferry.

 In that moment hundreds of thoughts, memories and realizations hit me all at once. That I was happy, and empowered, not burdened by their tender public show of affection struck me immediately. I remembered first having a hand of my own to hold like that. And, I felt certain in that moment I would have one again.

I also remembered how in years past when I would see lady couples holding hands I felt both excited and scared about it, incredibly jealous, and terribly lonely. I remember seeing women together and thinking 'That's so great, I wish I could have that, but I know I can't.' And the weight of it as I walked away was one of the heaviest things I've ever carried in life.

I realized in this later happy day, that it was February, and I should have been planning a wedding now, but I'm not. And I was strangely not sad about that. I was grateful for the experience of having had my ex in my life, all the beauty and love she had added. I'm grateful that she was the first woman to hold my hand and I'm grateful that we are still friends and I'm grateful that I don't have to feel that hopelessness and isolation ever again, of wanting  love and companionship  in my life so desperately, but feeling like I would have to accept a version of it that  was false to me, not just for now, but forever. I don't know if you can understand how that feels unless you live it.

I've heard from many Mormon and some other Christians, something along the lines of this "Well, there are single straight people, and they have to be celibate too" 
What this phrase fails to comprehend  is that feeling I used to struggle with, hopelessness of feeling like authentic romantic relationships were never going to be allowed for your authentic self.

And that's the best I can do to describe that for you. I have no idea if that is good enough, but my straight single friends always at least had some degree of hope that they could meet someone, fall in love and if not in this life, in the eternities. For me to have that, my only hope was that I, in my authentic form would cease to exist.

Now, that's a bit of a downer. And thankfully over time I came to feel that that idea was completely wrong for me. I let it go.

 Mostly, I quit living my life for everyone else, and I started to listen to what my heart said was true. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of happiness, I as my authentic self am worthy of whole and authentic relationships. And I have a lot more to offer the world now than I ever did before.

The perilous house of cards I had set up in my earlier life crumbled. Before I had always to guard it from any and every wind. And life always felt so on edge and dangerous. But as they do, houses of cards always crumble. And in it's place my true home is being built, on the foundation of authenticity, love, and honesty.

So, scarred and tormented younger self, I live my life for you, fully, completely, authentically, and joyfully.

No more pain, only joy  at the sight of two women in love.

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