Body Issue (part 2): Post Mormon

One summer, while studying at Utah State University, I was fortunate to have a bedroom to myself. It was in a attic room in an old house, and it got really hot up there. There was no air conditioning, and I was working at Wal-Mart  that summer. I used my employee discount to purchase a small fan, that I still use to this day.  I came up with all sorts of techniques for staying cool. But my favorite thing of all out of this situation was what I called 'Naked guitar time.'

After I got out of the shower, I'd buzz across the hall to my room in a towel, shut the door, drop the towel and spend how ever long I felt like it playing my guitar and just being naked. 

It was one of the greatest stress relievers I had ever experienced and was incredibly freeing. It was a time to litterally be comfortable in my own skin.  But the time was short lived. The summer ended, I moved into a shared room in an apartment of six women. 

Then I decided to go on a mission at the end of the year, resulting of course in receiving temple endowments, and beginning a decade without naked guitar time, or really any naked time outside of showering.

Slowly my body became alien to me, always covered up in so many layers of clothes. I lost a small piece of myself for a while.  

When I left the church, and stoped wearing garments, I was very cold all the time. Having direct contact with my bra to my skin felt odd, and having had that thin shirt layer between me and the world for a decade left that area extra sensitive for a time. Eventually I adjusted.

Finding underwear was difficult. I no longer liked the thin material of traditional women's underwear, nor the feeling it gave me of having my legs separated from everything else by these two small little leg holes.  I also had issues with thigh friction, and they were used to being protected from that. 

I immediately began a quest to find women's boxer briefs and the closest I found was boy shorts. This was not adequate, so for a time I tried a number of mens boxer briefs, but they were not a whole lot better. Then one day I stumbled upon Tomboyx, and found my match. Shorter than garments, but longer than boy shorts, these colorfully designed underwear were made for women's bodies, and I felt more comfortable than I ever had before.

Adjusting to clothing was a big part of the journey. "Modest is hottest" was a phrase that had dominated a decade of my life, and the route back to my teenage tank top, and normal length shorts has been far more tricky than the underwear. My tan lines on my arms, as well as not used to feeling air on that skin made that a two year journey. 

When I took the above pictures with my friend earlier this week, it was not the first time I had wore a tank top in public, but it was the first time I felt comfortable doing so since probably my senior year of high school. Me and my post Mormon friends often joke about 'porn shoulders' for our sleeveless shirts, confronting the remnants of modesty shaming in our cultural lens. 

Another hot topic in that circle has been tattoos. Should I get one? What should I get? Where would I put it? We were all pondering this until one friend followed through and told us how much it hurt. We're still discussing it, but some of us want to know where is the least painful location first. It's a deeply thought out process. 

There is a freedom that has come post Mormonism, to decide what to keep, and what to not keep when it comes to ideas about our body, what is good, what is bad, what is harmless but just up to me. There is a deepening recognition of rape culture and it's effects. What you wear doesn't cause rape, rapists cause rape. What you wear doesn't lead to out of control immorality, if anything hedging yourself in with fear about your body creates a culture steeped in taboo, and unhealthiness that feeds into that out of control feeling.

The greatest gift of post Mormonism has been a healthier relationship with body and sexuality, which has given myself and those I have spoken with freedom from that feeling of peril, of being on the edge of disaster by any and every small choice, and neglected need.  Healthy sexuality makes life much easier, and much more joyous than overly rigid, disconnected, unhealthy  pent up frustrated sexuality.

Confronting to culture of the Word of Wisdom brought many of us to enjoy coffee, and recognize it's health benefits. Beliefs of what you should put in your body, can effect how you perceive your body. 

As I transitioned to new beliefs, I talked to my friends and did research, to find what was true about my former beliefs, and what was questionable, or even false from a medical and scientific perspective. 

 Alcohol was was another chapter in this transition. It can have negative effects, but in moderation isn't always harmful. In my post Mormon friend groups, some smartly stay away, recognizing a history of alcoholism in their families. Some studied up and try things, but in moderation. I learn that I am the lightest of light weights, and strict moderation is the only thing my body will allow for. You will never see me have two drinks, and it's more than likely, if I have one, some one will be finishing half of it.  Some others  found they didnt get the calming effect from it they were expecting, and had much higher tollerance.  

There was a feeling of being a second adolecence/young adulthood, as 30, 40, and older year olds try things or learn about things for the first time. Other people your age already did this, you did not. That can make you feel a little insecure, behind, and overwhelmed. 

Along with the fear of a Mormon friends seeing you in a tank top, drinking your latte and judging that the reason you left the church was to go have fun and "sin" experimenting with these things, rather than that you left and no longer  could find a logical reason to not drink coffee, or tea, or wear tank tops on a hot day. 

As our thoughts and beliefs about clothes, and food, and drink change, our relationship with our bodies change. Things we used to be very judgemental about before  are now things we are curious about, and must ponder if they fit in our lives after all or not. It is a journey that brings many questions, many choices, much responsibility, but also much joy.

The journey out of the LDS church has a lot of physical and emotional ramifications. It is a journey of self discovery, at times deeply emotional, but ultimately I feel I have come to know and understand myself better, and I have come to feel more confident with the decisions I have made for myself. 

It's a journey of becoming more worried about what I think, than what everyone else will think, because you have to. Because your Mormon friends may think what you are doing is wrong, and your never Mormon friends may not understand why wearing a tank top on a hot day and Drinking a coffee is such a big deal to you. 

I have moments where I fear being judged by one side or the other. I sometimes fear something will happen and someone will say "it's your own fault, God told you so."  

But I feel as comfortable in my skin again as I had begun to feel those college days of naked guitar time, and in those moments I start feeling afraid of judgement of other people, I ask myself, what do you really feel and believe about this? Why are you feeling these feelings? Is it because you are wrong, and you know you are wrong? Or is it because you were taught this is wrong and you know what people are thinking about you for disagreeing? 

I answer That question as honestly as possible, and move forward, becoming more of who I am, and less of who people think I should be, and that gives me peace. I have felt more and more self confident and steady as I go, despite continuing wobbles, and fresh challenges along the way.