High Hopes- Chapter 4: Pulse

June 3, 2018  Memorial Stadium

11:45 PM- The music in my headphones never stopped playing, but as I walked through the players tunnel, and turned to take this selfie with the empty stadium surrounding me I can almost swear that moment had to have been silent. 

This was me happy crying for the perhaps millionth time this week. Any time I thought about this day, it would hit me because I knew this day was going to be full of meaning and big moments and I knew I would help create them by putting down my armor long enough to not just dream, but work them into reality.  I cried in this moment because I stepped foot into the stadium prepared to bring the magic.

I was gifted with about 15 minutes of time to sit around and wait for Matt who was stuck in traffic. I thought we were supposed to start our volunteer time at noon, but Brynn had moved the time back an hour because this year we have been working so fast getting things ready.  From this spot on the field I looked up and saw Brynn on the roof of the entry gates. I waved, she waved back and then I moved over to the supporters section to drop my bags, and I headed back to the players entrance.  Katherine from Retail, who started as a volunteer the very same day I did two seasons before, came bursting out of the tunnels in a hurry. 

"Katherine! give me a high five!" I shouted after her. Already feeling excitement about the coming day building inside me.  "I can't I'm running late" She said and gave me a long distance air high five before she ran up the stairs and disappeared again.  Matt took a while to get there, and when he had arrived I could see why. He was loaded down with his usual massive backpack full of Tifos, and and additional bag full of painted canvas, carmel corn, and doughnuts.  

We walked back over to the supporters section and I pulled the headphones out of my left ear so I could hear and communicate with him properly. I hesitated a small moment as I thought how to ask. "Hey Matt, where to you hand these things out?"  "Over in the fan zone."  "Can I help you hand them out tonight?" I asked  He said sure. "Can I give Haley Kopmeyer her's?" He said yes, except the treats. I could hand out the canvas. I thought that was for the best. I was picturing myself being clumsy and dropping carmel corn everywhere. I didn't want that. No one would want that. I can handle a canvas. That's all I wanted.  And the hardest part of the day was now over. 

We walked up to the top rail of the stands and started to tape on Tifos. I'm still learning, so we had to make a few adjustments along the way, but we got it done pretty quickly. "So, Matt, what did you want to talk to me about with the Hinkle situation and religion?" I asked.  He knew I came from a religious back ground and asked my thoughts on the situation in regards to our next game and some things some of the supporters were wanting to do.  It was a very good, but very private discussion. So I'm going to leave that in the stands.  But it ended, of course with him having me listen to a song.  This summarizes our conclusion.   

"So you say this is human ,Your heartbeat versus mine. Im in chains cause I'm choosing showing love or living life. I shouldn't have to leave where I stand. I shouldn't have to change who I am

To count as a human . Feel my pulse,With your hand on my heart You know it beats just as hard as yours. Feel my pulse.Feel my pulse. Can't you see that Im scarred,I'm just the same as you are so just feel my pulse. I wish I could reach them and strip away what separates. It's the same air we're breathing. The same tears run down our face, so I don't have to leave where I stand and I don't have to change who I am to count as a human. Feel my pulse with your hand on my heart you know it beats just as hard as yours. Feel my pulse ,feel my pulse .Can't you see that Im scarred. I'm just the same as you are so just feel my pulse"

Currently, if you look at my profile picture, I decided to use the "Pulse" pride frame for Pride month. This moment is why. This is what its about. When Matt and I left that spot to go meet Brynn and the other Brynions it felt a bit like leaving extra sacred ground leaving that moment behind.