I'm The One Who Writes My Own Story

"When we deny our story, it defines us. When we own our story, we have the power to write our own brave ending" - Brene Brown

 I just got home from my last counseling appointment - for now.  Dealing with bullying, death, and a break up in a short amount of time gave me the opportunity to meet an incredible man,and  try an incredible new to me therapy called EMDR. In a very short period of time I was able to feel like i was handling messy life again. In parting words today, he said to me- "Just keep owning your truth."

 I also recently finished Abby Wambach's Memoir "Forward", which was probably one of the best books I have ever read.  What I loved most about it was that she owned her truth, and she took labels given to her throughout her life, by herself or others, and owned them by defining them for herself, and in so doing removed the shame others could put on those things, and empowered herself to move FORWARD.

As I read this, and in the weeks that have passed, I have thought about some of the labels I have been given in my own life, pieces of who I am, though not the whole puzzle.  If I were to write a Memoir in the style of Forward, What labels would be my chapter headings?

Girl
Tomboy
Shy
New Girl
Nerd
Mormon
Good Girl
The most Olympic non Olympian you have ever met
Athlete
Figure Skater
Stubborn
Same Sex Attracted
Gay
Queer
Pansexual
Bisexual
Soccer player
Determined
Apostate
Renegade
Tree Huger
conservationist
Conservative
Moderate
Liberal
Spiritual
Confused
Activist
Employee
Leader
Missionary
Returned Missionary
Friend
intelligent
creative
Single
Engaged
Ex
INFJ
Feminist
Utahan
Weirdo
Polyglot



I think those are some of my most prominent labels in my life.  They are all representative of pieces of my history, both parts of who I am, and who I was, and who I continue to be.  The thing about labels is, they can be forced onto us, and when they are someone else is writing the definition. But if I have learned anything from the queer community, it is that owning these pieces of yourself, you can take the true part of the label to yourself. You can discard the untrue parts, and you can change the parts you no longer want to be, and you can find beauty in the parts that are you, that others may disregard, or look down on.

 Owning my Mormon part, my beautiful heritage inspired the title of this blog. As a teenager I spent a lot of time listening to my "My Turn On Earth" soundtrack. There was a song, I don't remember all the words, but  these ones I still find inspiring....

         I'm the one that writes my own story, I decide the person I'll be.
 What goes in the plot and what will not, is pretty much up to me.
     Everyone who writes his own story, now and then will make some mistakes
but given some care, they needn't stay there, and this is all that it takes...
    you don't try to hide it, do try to right it, then you wont do it again.
I'm they one that writes my own story, I decided who I'll be.


In her book Abby owned some mistakes she had made, and then she didn't hide it in shame, she owned it. The end of her book you felt she felt empowered by so doing,  to go make her life her own, to go make it what she wanted it to be. She said many times "Who do you want to be? how do you want to get there?" were important questions she encouraged people to ask themselves.

 I have learned in my short life, that that is what is important. Not who everyone else thinks I am or wants me to be, but who I think I am,and who I want to be. That is the truth I must ask of myself. I must write my own story, not someone elses. Labels do not take away from or add to our ability to do that. We all have labels attached to our lives.  But what does that label mean to you?  what does that piece of you mean to you?  and what do you want it to mean or become?

one of my mission companions taught me a valuable lesson one day, as we were walking around Lithuania.  "I'm just really stubborn"  I remember saying to her.  I have never forgotten her reply  "No. You are determined... when you use your powers for good. You are only stubborn when you use those same powers for evil."

In that moment I learned words have positive and negative connotations. For every bad label, there is a positive one for the same trait, and we can define that for ourselves.

Almost a year ago I felt I had been given a label that didn't suit me, that wasn't me in Apostate- as you can see it up on my list. Right next to it, you will find the word Renegade that I felt defined me better, and which I attached to because of a song.

Renegades

X Ambassadors

Run away with me
Lost souls and reverie
Running wild and running free
Two kids, you and me

And I say
Hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

All hail the underdogs
All hail the new kids
All hail the outlaws
Spielberg's and Kubrick's

It's our time to make a move
It's our time to make amends
It's our time to break the rules
Let's begin

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Leaving like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

This song resonated deeply with me, the mention of pioneers,  I felt honored my honoring my moral inner compass in my decisions, and hearkened back to also honor my heritage and ancestors.  so that meant a lot to me.

And I share this,not to get into a discussion about my religious and spiritual evolution, but because that for me, was a moment where I felt my story had been written in part for me by unwanted and unwelcome labels being attached to me, and I felt empowered by finding a word of similar meaning that resonated more deeply for me. By owning the label renegade, I lost the shame of the label apostate.

The point of all this, is  that your life is yours, and even when you make some big mistakes, or when people think you are making a mistake, and you feel shame, or feel shamed, you can write your own story, and you can move FORWARD.  and that is super beautiful, and super inspiring to me. Owning my truth is inspiring to me, and others owning their truth, is even more inspiring to me. I am very glad Abby Wambach bravely told her own tale, rather than hiding in shame and letting the world tell it for her.