Commuting on the fast ferry brought me to a whole new world. The seats there are a little more narrow than they are on the regular ferry. Normally this isn't an issue, but occasionally I have had the displeasure of sitting by a man-spreader.
I can't remember exactly when it happened; normally in tight spaces I exaggurate my smallness, and shrink myself so that everyone can have adequet space. But one day, on the fast ferry, a manspreader sat by me, and I just couldn't. I thought, why am I working so hard to make myself small, so that this person can delve into my space bubble when he doesn't have any reason to.
In that moment I decided I would start taking up space physically. I would not make myself small. I fought off manspreaders by man spreading. If a non manspreaders sat down beside me, I would relinquish the space so that I took up not more, or less, but just what I needed.
Then one day, a very large man sat down beside me. And I decided, as he was trying to make himself small and was clearly very uncomfortable in his seat, that, in this particular instance, I would make myself physically, a bit smaller. Not to relinquish my power, or my space, but because I know larger people and I have heard and seen their problems in travel, and the judgement they get. In this instance, I felt that by conciding some of my space, I was giving more of it to both of us.
And a very physical thing taught me a very real lesson about adaptability, and seeing and hearing eachother, and when to stand your ground and when to stand down.
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. I wanted to post yesterday about another kind of space, space to exist, to be you, to be loved as you are, and learning to Mandi-spread when you need emotional and mental help, from your friends, from society, from a professional, whatever and where ever you are.
I've had a lot of friends talk to me lately going through hard times. They often appologize for bothering me, for being a burden, or for taking up space. I've been there, I've felt that. I am forever greatful for the friends I have that let me know that they loved me, they enjoy me, and they want me to take up my space with them. Sometimes people are busy or emotionally burdened and we can't always be there for eachother, but true friends will be honest with you about the level of there for you they can be. And they have a way of letting you know, they want you in that space, and that it's just a temporary overwhelm that restricts them from doing more
That was one interesting part for me, moving into the Mandi-cave, as we call it, has also taught me a lot. In all my discussion leading up to and moving into my new place, what happened the most was the discovery that my friend seemed to have as many anxieties as me about me not wanting to be there, as I did about her and her family not wanting me to be there. Once we established that we both wanted me there, we could have clear and useful discussions about the logistics of it all.
Humans were not meant to live in isolation. We were meant to be in comunities, and to work together in connected ways. When we come together in community, our loads become bearable, even when we take on more from eachother, because we no longer are taking on everything for ourselves. We can play to our strengths and our needs and accommodate eachother in a way that provides adequet space for everyone, without making anyone feel small.
The past month or so of my life has been amazing. I hope that I am providing something as useful to my friend and her family as they have provided for me. By having a community literally dwelling around me, everything is just easier to manage, and less overwhelming, even on the crazy days, just because I can come home and say to another human, 'how was your day' face to face. I don't know if I would have appreciated what a difference that makes, without having experienced years without it.
To my friends that are struggling, that need someone to talk to, but are afraid to be a burden, to exist, to take up space and time-
I want you to. I want you to reach out to me, and I am happy when you do. I may not always be able to respond to you right away, I may not always have the energy to help and to talk. But I always want you to reach out to me, and I always want to have the energy to help and be there for you. Know that I love you, I'm glad that you exist, that you take up space, and that you have reached out to me. I love you. You are valid, and worthy, and worth every ounce of energy I can give you. You give back to me in ways you may never know. Don't hesitate to reach out to me. If I can't talk, it will never be because I don't want to, and you will never know if I am able if you don't ask.
If you have a question for me, ask it. It may take time, but you will get an answer. We are in this together. I cannot do it without you, and I don't want you to just 'get through' this life without me. I want to be on your team. Reach out. Do your own spreading. The world gains nothing by me or you making ourselves small.
Love, Mandi
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