My friend Rick has often told me, and teased me a bit, for my lack of ability to be spontaneous and impulsive.
He was not the first person to note this quality. When I was in my college days, I had this white board I kept in my room. It was actually not white, it was a blueish grey sky landscape with a rainbow on it. But every day I would write my schedule on it. Every second of the day planned out, even down to 5 mins of free time that I would put between 1 hr of French, 1 hr of German, 1 hr of ESL lesson planning, 45 mins of political science, 2 hrs of FHE (family home evening) or whatever else was happening on the day.
My roommates gently teased me a bit for actually writing and scheduling in free time. Free time, they said, shouldn't be scheduled. But if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have had any. In that moment of teasing, I decided I needed to find a way to be a bit more spontaneous. Now it was a goal, and planned, so that made it something I could focus on and do. See where I'm going here?
As I've aged, I've gained the ability to appear less structured and ridged, and I guess to a degree to actually be so. Something happened that year that gave me the template I needed to make that change happen.
A few weeks after the 'scheduling free time' comments, with my new goal in mind, conditions were perfect for spontaneity. I came home from my last class, all my homework was done, and I had nothing solid on my schedule. I had things I could do to get a bit ahead in class, but nothing pressing.
I walked in and it was just my roommate Kim there, and she needed to do something spontaneous and adventurous. I was free, so I decided to join her on an impromptu road trip about an hour or so north to Provo. We could just to go drive around and see what we would see, maybe get pizza.
I don't remember many details, it was nearly 2 decades ago, but I know we got lost. Wenever made it to Provo, and I think we ended up in Springville before we decided we'd had our fun and it was time to head back home and go to sleep.
I also remember that I never regretted that trip. I got to know Kim better on that trip and feel much closer to her. She died ten years ago, and it's one of my most treasured memories, even though it's mostly a vague impression of an evening now. It changed my life. And that's now how I roll. Adventures, "spontaneity", sometimes even dating relationships have started on what appears to be the on the fly, and in the heat of the moment.
But that would be counter my nature. So what usually actually happens is that my conditions have been met, and all that is required for long thought out and desired goals and moments have the pieces fall together to fit into my plan in that moment. I can do a "spontaneous" road trip, if I have beginning and ending dates, known sleep conditions for the trip, and the right person and enough money. There are always conditions and parameters.
I also being and INFJ, will just use my magic intuition powers if a decision has to be made quickly without a lot of time for processing and pondering every angle. I've learned from some books I've read, that that probably all comes from my brain using what it knows to make an educated guess off of actual facts, experience and that sort.
What exactly then, is this ramble down memory lane, and who cares any way? And what does that have to do with "meta" permanent ink?
Ha ha, well, you should know that my profile picture on Facebook (until today, when I changed it for one week), and on Twitter is of my actual permanent, not temporary in any way, etched deeply into my layers of skin with needles, tattoo. And today I'm gonna tell you what and why it is.
When I was telling my good friend Zoe about my desired design, she told me it was "very meta". She then had to explain to me what "meta" meant. Basically, its just that it's got lots of layers of meaning. Anything permanent I would do, would have to.
I thought for a long time about getting a tattoo. I didn't think I could because it would hurt, and because since I transitioned away from religion, I couldn't trust anything to stay of permanent value in my life enough to want to have it there forever. Even the Olympic Games have let me down at times.
Also, I knew I would be facing some harsh judgment for it, and if I was going to face harsh judgment, it had damn well better be something super meaningful and worth it. That's a lot of pressure to put on a little tattoo design, but I've met lots of people that regretted their tattoos so I really wanted to make sure this was what I wanted to do, and whatever I chose would be something I could always appreciate.
I considered this not over the course of months, but years. And after one ex-mo friend went and got a tattoo and reported that it hurt, A LOT, I was thinking I would change my mind to a no on the tattoo thing.
And then one day I heard one of my favorite soccer players talk about her tattoos. I wont try to quote her, but I will share with you what I remember feeling that she said. She talked about how life is a painful thing, it leaves scars on our hearts as we go through our journeys. Even the happy things in life change us, and leave a mark on our souls. Tattoos, to her (according to me), were just a way of taking those internal scars and marking them externally so the inside matched the outside. Then you could turn it from something ugly and painful into a beautiful part of your story. People get tattoos for happy reasons too, and really its the same thing. Something happens in life, it changes you, and you mark it. A tattoo, is literally a scar. its a beautiful scar.
Her words, whatever they actually were, changed my perspective. I always thought people got tattoos to be cool, or to be rebellious. But after that, I felt they were there to mark your journey, to create harmony between body and spirit, and to help you find healing in the things that you had been through in life. I'm sure not everyone sees it that way, but seeing it that way made me decide I wanted to do this. It was no longer something disrespectful and dishonorable to my body. It was about internal and external harmony.
After her words, I also decided my first tattoo needed to mark the part of my journey that had changed me, and scarred me internally the deepest. My journey in, through, and out of the LDS religion. Initially my thoughts were pretty in your face. I thought about how for decades of my life I wore a CTR ring (Choose the Right) reminding me of what was expected of me to do in life. For months I tried to come up with some play on that, mostly changing it to a CTL and putting a tattoo of a ring on that right ring finger. CTL could have stood for so many things- Choose to Love, Choose to Live, Choose the Left, being among some of the more obvious meanings- but something about this always felt off and I could never find a design that felt right. It was too bitter.
As the months passed, I realized, that some of my hurt and anger had subsided and that's why it didn't feel right to do something so counter. What I wanted to get both needed to represent the empowerment my journey out, while still honoring the wonderful things I had gained from my heritage and years in.
During this time, I spent a lot of my time at Seattle Reign games because we were in the middle of the NWSL season, and I had found a new community there. Some might even say I'm religious about it, and some have said that I am still a total missionary at getting people to come to games and be excited about it with me.
One day before a match, I was wondering around the concourse and a sponsor was putting temporary Reign FC tattoos on people. In fact, I remember this horrible day very clearly. I had just strained my bicep, and had to back out of volunteering. I was in a lot of pain, and nearly fainted once or twice during the game. Some of my volunteer friends gave me some Tylenol or something, and some ice and helped me get through the day. But before that happened, I stopped at this table and had them put this small temporary tattoo right on my left bicep, because the right one was in such pain.
I went and sat in the stands, and I think I was pretty out of it and wanted nothing more than to go home. But, it was the season ticket holders event after the match and I wasn't about to miss that. I dug deep and found any way I could to tough it out and make it through.
I considered this not over the course of months, but years. And after one ex-mo friend went and got a tattoo and reported that it hurt, A LOT, I was thinking I would change my mind to a no on the tattoo thing.
And then one day I heard one of my favorite soccer players talk about her tattoos. I wont try to quote her, but I will share with you what I remember feeling that she said. She talked about how life is a painful thing, it leaves scars on our hearts as we go through our journeys. Even the happy things in life change us, and leave a mark on our souls. Tattoos, to her (according to me), were just a way of taking those internal scars and marking them externally so the inside matched the outside. Then you could turn it from something ugly and painful into a beautiful part of your story. People get tattoos for happy reasons too, and really its the same thing. Something happens in life, it changes you, and you mark it. A tattoo, is literally a scar. its a beautiful scar.
Her words, whatever they actually were, changed my perspective. I always thought people got tattoos to be cool, or to be rebellious. But after that, I felt they were there to mark your journey, to create harmony between body and spirit, and to help you find healing in the things that you had been through in life. I'm sure not everyone sees it that way, but seeing it that way made me decide I wanted to do this. It was no longer something disrespectful and dishonorable to my body. It was about internal and external harmony.
After her words, I also decided my first tattoo needed to mark the part of my journey that had changed me, and scarred me internally the deepest. My journey in, through, and out of the LDS religion. Initially my thoughts were pretty in your face. I thought about how for decades of my life I wore a CTR ring (Choose the Right) reminding me of what was expected of me to do in life. For months I tried to come up with some play on that, mostly changing it to a CTL and putting a tattoo of a ring on that right ring finger. CTL could have stood for so many things- Choose to Love, Choose to Live, Choose the Left, being among some of the more obvious meanings- but something about this always felt off and I could never find a design that felt right. It was too bitter.
As the months passed, I realized, that some of my hurt and anger had subsided and that's why it didn't feel right to do something so counter. What I wanted to get both needed to represent the empowerment my journey out, while still honoring the wonderful things I had gained from my heritage and years in.
During this time, I spent a lot of my time at Seattle Reign games because we were in the middle of the NWSL season, and I had found a new community there. Some might even say I'm religious about it, and some have said that I am still a total missionary at getting people to come to games and be excited about it with me.
One day before a match, I was wondering around the concourse and a sponsor was putting temporary Reign FC tattoos on people. In fact, I remember this horrible day very clearly. I had just strained my bicep, and had to back out of volunteering. I was in a lot of pain, and nearly fainted once or twice during the game. Some of my volunteer friends gave me some Tylenol or something, and some ice and helped me get through the day. But before that happened, I stopped at this table and had them put this small temporary tattoo right on my left bicep, because the right one was in such pain.
I went and sat in the stands, and I think I was pretty out of it and wanted nothing more than to go home. But, it was the season ticket holders event after the match and I wasn't about to miss that. I dug deep and found any way I could to tough it out and make it through.
That was the LONGEST soccer game I have ever sat through. But pain meds kicked in by the end, and I made it to the event after and eventually home. But sitting there in the stands, half out of it, in pain surrounded by this new community of friends taking care of me when I needed it most.
I looked at that tattoo and thought, wow, that looks good there, and its where my journey out has brought me. Memorial stadium had become like a temple to me. And I thought... REIGN. REIGN. Choose to Reign. CTR. oh my gosh! the letters. I can make this into a CTR. Its full circle. It honors the good in CTR, while respecting my journey and that its not about doing what is "right" but owning my own damn life now!
And from that moment on, I had my design chosen. I had something that wasn't about a church that injured me, or a soccer team that might some day disappointed me, it was simply about my journey, and every aspect of it. Honoring the past- the joy, the pain. The present-the soccer the new community. And the future- My life, where ever I chose to take it.
The next part was the hardest part. Finding an artist, and setting up an appointment. This part terrified me, because I didn't know even where to begin, and everyone was recommending people that were booked up 6 months or more in advance. So I did what I do best when I feel overwhelmed. I shut down, and just tried to avoid thinking about it.
October came. Soccer was over , and I really wanted to do this thing for Phoenix Festival. If possible on the Burning of the 5th (Nov. 5th) because that would be the most symbolic day to do a tattoo of this nature, the day that really kicked that journey into full gear, the anniversary of the LDS policy change. I didn't want to wait a year, and I went into a panic. But at a gathering of my former Mormon friends, on a night I was completely out of it and not listening or connecting to humans at all, the topic turned to tattoos and my best friend said "Mandi, I think you want to listen right now."
I don't know how she knew, honestly. I hadn't said anything about it. But I listened. and I suddenly got very engaged in the conversation. And I walked out of there with a name, and a link to an Instagram account for Jen Martinez and Dermawerx in Silverdale.
There was no looking back after that. I saw her work. I knew she was perfect for me. I contacted her and explained what I wanted, what I was trying to do. She got it. I paid a deposit and set up a time. Nov. 5th wasn't available, so I set it for after my trip to Canada, for Nov. 18th, Two months before my birthday seemed like the perfect choice. As I set Phoenix Festival for this year, I marked that date as a "feast date" called "Choose To Reign" because I was about to own another piece of my life and mark it, with a tattoo.
The day came, and a sketch came. It was perfect. It was what I wanted. One of my volunteer friends drove over to be my moral support, and then I got a text. The artist had a migraine, and we would have to reschedule. We were able to move it to the next day, and my friend came again to be moral support and photographer.
It didn't hurt like I thought it would. It did hurt a little, especially after the first hour, when she switched from lines to shading. My muscles were exhausted and the spot was tender half way through. But after 3 hrs sitting there, it was done, and it was perfect, and I didn't even flinch or cry.
I'm proud of my tattoo. I'm proud of what it symbolizes, all of the many things it symbolizes, and what it is there to remind me to do. The Seattle Reign and many other women soccer players have been a great inspiration to me. The fans and employees and volunteers have been a great new community for me. But ultimately the greatest gift that I gained from this is a respect for where I came from and who it made me to become, and a deep love for who I am as a human even my weird geeky self. Choosing my own life adventure, choosing what is right, for me, Choosing to Reign, to rule my own life- that's what its about.
And every time I see this tattoo I think of that. I think, don't do things because its what is expected, and what you are told you should do. Do them because you feel it is right, because it is in harmony with who you are, and what you believe in. Fight for yourself to be the best you. And the best you you can be is yourself. Be true to yourself. Like a badass queen own your damn life. the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. The responsibility and consequences of it are yours. OWN IT.
One of my favorite things about this tattoo, was something Jen Martinez decided to add at the last minute. She showed me it right as I came in and asked what I thought about the change. She added perfectly contoured cheekbones. Just like the ones owned by some of my favorite tattooed soccer players. One of whom was the player that said the very words that helped inspire me to get this tattoo. The other change we made in the moment, was the size. I originally was going to go a lot smaller, but then I got there and she said, what do you think of this, and It was huge, but then I was like... yup! that's exactly the size this needs to be for a tattoo that is about owning it. I had her put it on my left arm also symbolically, moving away from just "choosing the right" and doing what I'm expected to.
This thing is sacred to me. I've waited a long time to share this story, because it is, and because I know there are some people in my life that just aren't going to get it. And some people are going to look down on me for having got it. Probably no one but me is going to get all the layers of this thing, because you haven't lived my journey. But I hope that this has brought some understanding your way, I hope you can begin to get it. And I hope that you can love this thing, a small portion of how much I do. A piece of my soul, my journey, has been symbolically illustrated and is now carried around with me so I can visually see it and remember every single day. Just like that old CTR ring, a reminder to Choose The Right, now rather, to Choose To Reign.
I leave you with pictures of my tattoo experience. It was super itchy while it healed for two weeks, and now its not red or itchy any more, so that was kind of the hardest part. So I don't have a current picture here, but picture it as not red. enjoy.
And from that moment on, I had my design chosen. I had something that wasn't about a church that injured me, or a soccer team that might some day disappointed me, it was simply about my journey, and every aspect of it. Honoring the past- the joy, the pain. The present-the soccer the new community. And the future- My life, where ever I chose to take it.
The next part was the hardest part. Finding an artist, and setting up an appointment. This part terrified me, because I didn't know even where to begin, and everyone was recommending people that were booked up 6 months or more in advance. So I did what I do best when I feel overwhelmed. I shut down, and just tried to avoid thinking about it.
October came. Soccer was over , and I really wanted to do this thing for Phoenix Festival. If possible on the Burning of the 5th (Nov. 5th) because that would be the most symbolic day to do a tattoo of this nature, the day that really kicked that journey into full gear, the anniversary of the LDS policy change. I didn't want to wait a year, and I went into a panic. But at a gathering of my former Mormon friends, on a night I was completely out of it and not listening or connecting to humans at all, the topic turned to tattoos and my best friend said "Mandi, I think you want to listen right now."
I don't know how she knew, honestly. I hadn't said anything about it. But I listened. and I suddenly got very engaged in the conversation. And I walked out of there with a name, and a link to an Instagram account for Jen Martinez and Dermawerx in Silverdale.
There was no looking back after that. I saw her work. I knew she was perfect for me. I contacted her and explained what I wanted, what I was trying to do. She got it. I paid a deposit and set up a time. Nov. 5th wasn't available, so I set it for after my trip to Canada, for Nov. 18th, Two months before my birthday seemed like the perfect choice. As I set Phoenix Festival for this year, I marked that date as a "feast date" called "Choose To Reign" because I was about to own another piece of my life and mark it, with a tattoo.
The day came, and a sketch came. It was perfect. It was what I wanted. One of my volunteer friends drove over to be my moral support, and then I got a text. The artist had a migraine, and we would have to reschedule. We were able to move it to the next day, and my friend came again to be moral support and photographer.
It didn't hurt like I thought it would. It did hurt a little, especially after the first hour, when she switched from lines to shading. My muscles were exhausted and the spot was tender half way through. But after 3 hrs sitting there, it was done, and it was perfect, and I didn't even flinch or cry.
I'm proud of my tattoo. I'm proud of what it symbolizes, all of the many things it symbolizes, and what it is there to remind me to do. The Seattle Reign and many other women soccer players have been a great inspiration to me. The fans and employees and volunteers have been a great new community for me. But ultimately the greatest gift that I gained from this is a respect for where I came from and who it made me to become, and a deep love for who I am as a human even my weird geeky self. Choosing my own life adventure, choosing what is right, for me, Choosing to Reign, to rule my own life- that's what its about.
And every time I see this tattoo I think of that. I think, don't do things because its what is expected, and what you are told you should do. Do them because you feel it is right, because it is in harmony with who you are, and what you believe in. Fight for yourself to be the best you. And the best you you can be is yourself. Be true to yourself. Like a badass queen own your damn life. the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. The responsibility and consequences of it are yours. OWN IT.
One of my favorite things about this tattoo, was something Jen Martinez decided to add at the last minute. She showed me it right as I came in and asked what I thought about the change. She added perfectly contoured cheekbones. Just like the ones owned by some of my favorite tattooed soccer players. One of whom was the player that said the very words that helped inspire me to get this tattoo. The other change we made in the moment, was the size. I originally was going to go a lot smaller, but then I got there and she said, what do you think of this, and It was huge, but then I was like... yup! that's exactly the size this needs to be for a tattoo that is about owning it. I had her put it on my left arm also symbolically, moving away from just "choosing the right" and doing what I'm expected to.
This thing is sacred to me. I've waited a long time to share this story, because it is, and because I know there are some people in my life that just aren't going to get it. And some people are going to look down on me for having got it. Probably no one but me is going to get all the layers of this thing, because you haven't lived my journey. But I hope that this has brought some understanding your way, I hope you can begin to get it. And I hope that you can love this thing, a small portion of how much I do. A piece of my soul, my journey, has been symbolically illustrated and is now carried around with me so I can visually see it and remember every single day. Just like that old CTR ring, a reminder to Choose The Right, now rather, to Choose To Reign.
I leave you with pictures of my tattoo experience. It was super itchy while it healed for two weeks, and now its not red or itchy any more, so that was kind of the hardest part. So I don't have a current picture here, but picture it as not red. enjoy.
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