When Being Amazing Isn't Enough

I'm unable to sleep tonight, because I got lost in what one of my best friends calls the Forest of Feelings (it's from the Carebares Movie).

Right now I just have to sit here and be amazed at how human I am and appreciate how beautiful that is, because if I don't I'll just get really upset again.

I've had a lot of insights over the past few weeks about how far I've come in my life, how much I've over come in my life, and how much I am currently  thriving.

And I know I come from a really privileged place, and I have had support and communities making all this possible for me all along. So I'm also super greatful for that. 

Part of it is that I am taking yet another psychology class right now. And as I do my reading assignments and homework, it's forcing me to look back at where I was even two years ago, or a year ago. Religious beliefs that I feel, and I know some of you will disagree, massively held me back from being happy and thriving in life. And, relationships, that though I wouldn't trade them in my past, would be toxic in my present and future.

I'm doing all these amazing things right now, in my mid thirties. And I only plan to keep getting more amazing, and I have no doubt I can do it.

So when I think about that, on days like today, where it's still not enough. Where something just exists that makes me feel like that shy girl that never fit in anywhere, and was too afraid of her own shadow to do things, or to talk to the cool kids, it's just super weird to me.

It's weird to me how simultaneously I can channel my inner most awesome confident, happy person, who knows who she is, and what she's about, and at the same exact time im feeling amazing, also feel like the shy weird kid that doesn't fit anywhere and for whom nothing I do is ever good enough.

And I think that mix of emotions is probably why I couldn't sleep tonight. I talked to one of my friends about it, and he told me something he said to his boyfriend earlier.  "Sometimes I find myselfself in quicksand again and feel frightened and lost again, but I know it, and I see that I am getting out of it quicker and on my own more."

And hearing that, it just hit  me. Growing up that shy weird closeted queer kid in Utah, and into my early 30s even. I've spent my whole life getting out of quicksand too. And I'm pretty new to bring not in quicksand most the time. So if I feel it, even a little bit, I do get frightened, and panicked and scared that i'm  gonna have to be in that place again. That I will always end up back in that place. But then I know what quicksand feels like now, and I have the tools and support system to help me escape it quickly, and more independently than in the past. And that's pretty cool.

Anyway, I just had to share that. Even I, the currently confident and badass wonder I am have days I fall into emotional quicksand. But I'm not alone, and neither are you. And when we stay connected with humanity, and present, and reach out for help and love, it makes a huge difference.

I've noticed these times hit when I am vulnerable, when I've really opened myself up to new experiences and put myself out there. And I've been doing a lot of that lately. So I also have to remeber to pause and give myself time to come through that vulnerability hangover.

I am awesome, it is enough. I'm doing new things. It's ok to be a little frightened by it. And it's ok for you too.